@d1dynasty_

[At a Restaurant]

Me : Hey waitress, can i ask about the Menu please
Waitress : The men i please is none of your business

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@gavinpivott

WHY HAS THE COST OF BALLOONS INCREASED OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS??

INFLATION!

@daddydoubts

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

@TommyRainmaker

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

@neiltyson

If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.

@Home_Halfway

I forgot the name for a beaver the other day so I referred to them as “architect squirrels.”

@Rhythms_n_Booze

HR: You know why we called you down?

Me:Hm. Promotion?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to reporting a hacking.

@daddydoubts

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

@kcmoore51

I love getting kisses from my dogs but, I’m starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue.

@L8yK8y

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.