WHY HAS THE COST OF BALLOONS INCREASED OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS??
[At a Restaurant]
Me : Hey waitress, can i ask about the Menu please
Waitress : The men i please is none of your business
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I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’m not really feeling this edible.
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.
I forgot the name for a beaver the other day so I referred to them as “architect squirrels.”
HR: You know why we called you down?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to reporting a hacking.
[First day as a surgeon]
[Last day as surgeon]
I love getting kisses from my dogs but, I’m starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.