I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
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How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell