@geo_teira

[at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma’am, that’s the continental drift breakfast.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

@W0nderW0manW0w

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

@audipenny

So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

@LostFelicia

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

@Gupton68

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

@Calliejacobson

So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not fergalicious.

@yenniwhite

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

@Smooheed

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

@bridger_w

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost