My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
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My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Awwwww shit.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
The asteroid..
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?