Fight club member:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
[at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma’am, that’s the continental drift breakfast.
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My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not fergalicious.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost