Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
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Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Close call…
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
How your email finds me
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you