VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*
Hey baby, what’s your name?
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WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Go get it, boy!
*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
BLUE WHALE: um what?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff