At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
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I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
oh my gosh!!
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying