~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
You Might Also Like
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Expect the unexporcupine.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*