~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
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I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.