I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
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Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.