@BoogTweets
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
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@CharmingGrump
Pro tip: don’t write, “I thought I’d be the one to put a baby in you, but congratulations anyways” in the card.
@Rollinintheseat
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
@TheAlexNevil
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
@s8n
That explains alot
@TheAlexP
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
@THE_shitface
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
@ChrisThayerSays
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
@JamieGreenlees
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
@crunchenhanced
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.