[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
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Pro tip: don’t write, “I thought I’d be the one to put a baby in you, but congratulations anyways” in the card.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
That explains alot
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.