[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
You Might Also Like
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Peace was never an option
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Salad is the decaf of food.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.