@BoogTweets

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

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@CharmingGrump

Pro tip: don’t write, “I thought I’d be the one to put a baby in you, but congratulations anyways” in the card.

@Rollinintheseat

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

@TheAlexNevil

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

@TheAlexP

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

@THE_shitface

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

@ChrisThayerSays

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

@JamieGreenlees

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

@crunchenhanced

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.