[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

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humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too


I couldn’t be trusted with a time machine. I’d get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.


Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”


Do women know that it’s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?


Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.


I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich


If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.



me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard


*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE