@BoogTweets

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

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@themiltron

humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too

@FattMernandez

I couldn’t be trusted with a time machine. I’d get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.

@junejuly12

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

@TheMichaelRock

Do women know that it’s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?

@VinnyPisciotta1

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

@inanimatecorpse

I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich

@NikiWithIssues

If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.

@thelateinnings

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

@TragicAllyHere

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE