first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
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Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
In space, no one can hear…
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs