Starbucks puts the fee in coffee
[at a wake]
WIDOW: [crying uncontrollably]
ME: [putting my arm around her] I saw you double dip that chip earlier.
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Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams