A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
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I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~