@briancthayer

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

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@david8hughes

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

@TheAlexNevil

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

@murrman5

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

@ManJuggs

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

@Cyd10e

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

@lisaxy424

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

@TheMichaelRock

You think 70 degrees yesterday and snow today is funny, Mother Nature?

*empties 326 cans of hairspray outside*

Knock that shit off!

@Storminika

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

@BigBagOfScum

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to