[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress