ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver
GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
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[Using raccoons for a heist]
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I JUST CONSUMED SO MUCH SUGAR THAT I FEEL ALL SHOUTY IN MY HEAD AND CAPS LOCKY AND HOLY CRAP HOW DO PEOPLE DO ACTUAL DRUGS
[catches your phone before it hits the ground]
Whew, that was close!
[smashes your phone against the wall]
See, that could have happened.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
RSVP: ??yes ??no ??yes now but then no later on
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space