@Goooseeey

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

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@Home_Halfway

ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*

@Mom_Overboard

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

@shahnischmani

I JUST CONSUMED SO MUCH SUGAR THAT I FEEL ALL SHOUTY IN MY HEAD AND CAPS LOCKY AND HOLY CRAP HOW DO PEOPLE DO ACTUAL DRUGS

@greggjgc79

[catches your phone before it hits the ground]

Whew, that was close!

[smashes your phone against the wall]

See, that could have happened.

@rachelle_mandik

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

@IamEveryDayPpl

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

@Easy_Tiger__

If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.

@MsSouthernStems

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

@audipenny

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space