[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
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3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out