[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
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If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed