[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
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My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I get distracted pretty eas