Used tampons should be hung outside for the mosquito
at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet
Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning