@hummusandpizza

at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”

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@iGreenGod

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

@causticbob

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

@tarashoe

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

@surrealvehicle

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

@internetluke

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”

“…”
Vibrate?

@Jake_Sniff

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

@NewDadNotes

Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet

Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then

@CyrusMMcQueen

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning