@BlackGodSon
Used tampons should be hung outside for the mosquito
@hummusandpizza
at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”
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@BlackGodSon
@iGreenGod
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
@causticbob
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
@tarashoe
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
@surrealvehicle
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
@better_off_dad
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
@internetluke
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
@Jake_Sniff
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
@NewDadNotes
Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet
Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then
@CyrusMMcQueen
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning