[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Our lord and savoury.
The funk soul brother
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
fourth time’s the charm
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”