Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
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Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?