@dinokitten

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

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@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@Parker_Simpson

The year is 2065. Every adjective once used to describe another person is now deemed offensive. Noone’s left their homes in years.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

@bigTman001

Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?

@Mr_Kapowski

“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth

@bourgeoisalien

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can’t wait to be a theater prop.

@KeetPotato

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

@sarcasticmommy4

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.