*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
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How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
They’re called werewolves.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends