@atanya1111

At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.

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@evilistheheart

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

@greenteam15

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

@curlycomedy

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

@TextyRuxpin

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

@jonnysun

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

@ComedicBust

[First Date]

Me: Wanna check out the local garden?

Her: That sounds amazing.

[arriving at Olive Garden]

Me: Damn, it’s busier than usual

@theshamingofjay

The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.

@CrockettForReal

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.