@atanya1111

At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.

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@HiddenPinky

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

@FussySaffa

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

@English_Channel

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

@TweetPotato314

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

@kimlockhartga

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

@RodLacroix

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

@RunOldMan

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

@GrabTheWEness

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

@agathagotstoned

The plane starts going down. I say, “If we die, know that hat is hideous”. We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn’t spoken to me since.

@Home_Halfway

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer