I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Terribly Tuesday.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror