townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.
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Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Me: Wanna check out the local garden?
Her: That sounds amazing.
[arriving at Olive Garden]
Me: Damn, it’s busier than usual
The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.