Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?
Me: No, I’m toasted enough for both us. In fact I’m kind of hoping it can drive me home.
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you’re going to have to pick one or the other.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu