@mjkspeaks

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

You Might Also Like

@Cpt_Burnout

Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?

Me: No, I’m toasted enough for both us. In fact I’m kind of hoping it can drive me home.

@junejuly12

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

@chuuew

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

@BetteMidler

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

@AndrewNadeau0

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

@UnFitz

Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you’re going to have to pick one or the other.

@tigersgoroooar

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu