[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh