[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.