*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

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I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.


[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE



I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.


[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-


“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows


[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop


They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”


Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle