I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
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My son is 2,000 years old and still lives with His parents. #loser
Any last requests?
“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*