[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
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COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
much to think about
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin