[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?


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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die


I’ve found a diner. Or maybe it’s a house. Either way this little old lady is cooking me breakfast.


Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion


Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. No closer. Become one with your enemy. You’re now your own worst enemy. Don’t freak out.


Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.


[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*


Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want


ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that