@mister_blank

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

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@geowizzacist

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

@fro_vo

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

@murrman5

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

@envydatropic

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

@DeanOkay

Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this

@WhatsHerFace33

Friend – You smell nice, what’s that perfume you’re wearing?
Me – Fear and fabric softener.

@mejustbeth

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

@heidi420x

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing