[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?


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Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.


me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you


*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”


Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election


Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this


Friend – You smell nice, what’s that perfume you’re wearing?
Me – Fear and fabric softener.


Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.


Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing