Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
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me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Farting in the steam room was a bad judgement call.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
Friend – You smell nice, what’s that perfume you’re wearing?
Me – Fear and fabric softener.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Her: how are you
Her: you sure?
Her: you’re alright?
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing