[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
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On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased