[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
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Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
It’s an epidemic…
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking