A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July