@onion_an

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

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@KalvinMacleod

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

@Canadian_Cutie_

Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book

Me: Get the what now?

@theroyaltramp

Me: I’m going on a liquid diet to refresh my system.

Her: you’re literally eating a breakfast burrito right now?

Me:*mouth full* abfter viss

@XplodingUnicorn

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

@ComedicBust

Sometimes I’ll casually say “what else do you want?” on the phone, so the pizza guy thinks I’m ordering for more than just me.

@PinkCamoTO

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

@D_empiricist

If you don’t want your bananas to spoil, just hang them like this. makes them think they’re still on the tree

@MolotovJohnny

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

@sarcasticmommy4

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.