ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
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Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book
Me: Get the what now?
Me: I’m going on a liquid diet to refresh my system.
Her: you’re literally eating a breakfast burrito right now?
Me:*mouth full* abfter viss
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Sometimes I’ll casually say “what else do you want?” on the phone, so the pizza guy thinks I’m ordering for more than just me.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
If you don’t want your bananas to spoil, just hang them like this. makes them think they’re still on the tree
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.