[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
You Might Also Like
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.