I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
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OMG. What if “Shut up” isn’t such a persuasive argument after all?
No, you shut up.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I JUST ASKED SIRI IF A CERTAIN BOY WOULD EVER TEXT ME AND SHE SENT A TEXT SAYING WILL YOU EVER TEXT ME TO HIM. My funeral will be held at 8pm this Thursday.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Turmeric is trending which will if nothing else, alert people to that first r in the spelling.