@AtticusFinch79

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

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@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

@freedom2726

OMG. What if “Shut up” isn’t such a persuasive argument after all?

No, you shut up.

@squirrel74wkgn

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

@XplodingUnicorn

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

@ClichedOut

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

@ComeToMyWidow

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

@CeciMula

I JUST ASKED SIRI IF A CERTAIN BOY WOULD EVER TEXT ME AND SHE SENT A TEXT SAYING WILL YOU EVER TEXT ME TO HIM. My funeral will be held at 8pm this Thursday.

@jessokfine

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

@sophielou

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

@cerberustic

Turmeric is trending which will if nothing else, alert people to that first r in the spelling.