[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Bros before Ohioes
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.