[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
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me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?