[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’

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Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.




Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it


The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.


[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive


adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane


[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes


[me as a poltergeist]
*putting an empty milk carton back in the fridge* ooooOooOooooo