@HavocMantis

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

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@better_off_dad

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

@david8hughes

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

@DanielRCarrillo

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

@dlockw21

Cashier: Going snorkeling huh?

Me: Yeah. Should be fun.

Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes.

Me: Hi, I’d like to return these.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

@scottthetwat

The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.

@mexinonblonde

WOW!
You do a dazzling imitation of a blithering idiot!
Oh…
You’re being serious, about your love for your TC?
Oh dear, this is awkward.

@curlycomedy

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”Mikecanrant”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3779625598/ad268c029bb34c06cdfd3a299f8b7cf6_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347125599673937920″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”290″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”Dating progression

Me at 16: She’s ugly.

Me at 21: She’s alright.

Me at 30: I’d hit that.

Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@hamersauce

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*