*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
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Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Coffee for people with no kids
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Not my job 😂
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”