@TheAlexP

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

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@TheBeerGuy73

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

@TheTalkingPipe

I didn’t know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That’s you. Now, see the guy choking you? That’s me.

@BoomBoomBetty

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

@abbycohenwl

[Founding Fathers]
-But how do we get court witnesses 2 tell the truth?
-They swear on a bible?
-Thats stupid
-Hey lunch’s here
-Done[gavel]

@krishna_van

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

@abbycohenwl

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

@beefman138

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

@Willa_LT

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

@SharkJelly

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname