[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

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When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?


In an alternate universe, horses wearing fancy hats watch humans run the Kentucky Derby


I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.


You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.


Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?


Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.


Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.


Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps


Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.


Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.