@TheAlexP

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

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@tristandross

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

@wittwitbarista

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

@sgtblueeyes

I told her it’s been a while.
She told me that was fine. It’s just like riding a bike.
Now she’s mad I checked her for proper inflation

@debon7

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

@PleaseBeGneiss

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

@KentWGraham

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

@Marlebean

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

@girlontapas

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

@J_Luce3

Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.

@2sassymom

Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.

Unless his wife’s around.