[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

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if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him


By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.


I told her it’s been a while.
She told me that was fine. It’s just like riding a bike.
Now she’s mad I checked her for proper inflation


*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?


HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done


I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.


My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.


They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.


Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.


Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.

Unless his wife’s around.