@TheAlexP

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

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@FuttyNudgekins

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

@adamgreattweet

In an alternate universe, horses wearing fancy hats watch humans run the Kentucky Derby

@Lance_Said_This

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

@HatfieldAnne

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

@Cornjerker78

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

@FunnyBison

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

@10InchesPlus

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

@thedad

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

@GingerHotDish

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

@HomeWithPeanut

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.