[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
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So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Feel. He’s so soft.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.