[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
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her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.