[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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(Jupiter –
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.