[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
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No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔