[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
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My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
constantly working on myself.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]