[at BBQ]

Wow…trying to wrap my mouth around this bratwurst reminds me of my first high school boyfriend.

He hated bratwurst.

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I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.


I love them whole heartedly. I love it when they play with me, and I eat their table scraps. I am essentially my kids dog.


[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”


[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”


Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.


Just saw a dog with three legs. He did have a fourth leg, but he also had three legs.


When I got divorced, we split the house.
I got the outside….


‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography