I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
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*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Chemical wingman
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]