Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
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me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Sorry I booped your nose during your meltdown ..
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Crazy lady next to me forgot to take her meds, flipping out and shit. I hate seeing this.
Just going to walk away from my mirror now.