At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
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*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
My ideal weight is five million dollars
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best