At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
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anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee