@BoomBoomBetty

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

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@aotakeo

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

@Bandersnaaatch

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

@SuburbanSleuth

My daughter’s favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he’ll have a wife.

@Jason_maybe

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

@jennnjennnm

if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock

thats humerus

no, I’m not sorry

@CYComedy

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

@AntonioFrench

Trump’s foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn’t read the book. “Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!”

@WorldofWid

Be advised Ladies:
Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.

@WilliamRodgers

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

@TheCheish

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006