[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
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[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
barbara was highly relatable
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”