*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
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5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity