At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”