*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
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50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*