[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
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[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Best seat on the street 😍
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
dads on road-trips be like
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.