@_davidlucas_

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

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@SoulYodeler

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

@mostlysharks

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

@Donna_McCoy

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

@Bob_Janke

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

@Reverend_Scott

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

@bobvulfov

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka