[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
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I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
A classic…
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO